Christmas is Ruined, Part 2

Here in Milwaukee, 99.1 WMYX has been playing nothing but Christmas music since before Thanksgiving.  Because I have a young son who is very much in the Christmas spirit, I have it on whenever we are in the car together.  Because I want to be a good father and not ruin Christmas, I refrain from giving voice to the running commentary in my head. For example, I think:

  • This Trans-Siberian Orchestra tune sounds like a Metallica cover band playing the Precious Memories company party in Branson, Missouri.

  • I fucking hate key changes.  It doesn’t make the song more dynamic.  It is a clear sign that you have no imagination and your song blows.

  • “Christmas Shoes”  Oh my god, this may be the worst Christmas song of all time.  If I had an online dictionary, for the word treacle, it would simply say “See ‘Christmas Shoes.'”  Let me summarize: kid who doesn’t have enough money wants to get his dying mother some nice shoes so she can look good for Jesus when she dies.  I am not falling for that shit. Get away from my heart strings with that bathos.  FUCK YOU KID! 

Oh my god, I just discovered that it is also a book and a TV movie, featuring Rob Lowe.  Here it is, because I like to make people vomit eggnog:

It is by sheer will that I have not driven my car head-first into a tree.


2 Responses to “Christmas is Ruined, Part 2”

  1. Remember when Mary Louise Parker’s character died in Fried Green Tomatoes? That was sad.

    Driving the car right into a tree. I’m reminded of the scene in The Happening when John Leguizamo realizes there is a tear in the roof of the car and that they are all dead.

  2. jiveturkey Says:

    Confession time: My hate of the Christmas Shoes song almost drove me to force myself to watch that asstastic Christmas Shoes MOVIE, just so I could enjoy the delicious rage and hate I would surely experience for two solid hours. What is wrong with me?!

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