This is What the Internet is All About

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you “The Mall Ninja.”

This is a collection of posts by the elusive Gecko45 lovingly curated by the folks at Lonely Machines. A sample:

Gecko45 writes:

quote:Originally posted by SPECOPS:
I don’t claim to be a “tough guy”, but I have earned respect from my co-workers in a “tough” field. You guys are the ones that jumped on Gecko for wanting a good duty gun, now who are the tough guys behind the keyboards???

I agree wholeheartedly, why must every remonstration to remain a law-abiding citizen, so that we do not find it necessary to take you out, be seen as a threat. If a kid picks up a candy bar and runs, you give him a warning before you cuff him. Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor. But they all get a warning first, we do not simply shoot shoplifters unless they resist violently. Buttstroking those who attempt to injure me is another story. Consider this your warning, HKsissy, because we’ll aim for center if you get dangerous or violent on our patrols. You do not understand how difficult our job is, or you would be grateful for this warning you have been given-whether you are on SPECOPS’s turf, or on mine, you will not repeat not act up with iniquity.

Here’s some more:

PRK writes:

You guys laugh. Mall security saved my tender butt. Mom let me go to the men’s room aloen. The guy from electronics came in. He lured me into the stall. I hadn’t seen a Gameboy before. These two guys came right in with no warning. They dragged him off. Years laater I figured this out. I could of been a victim.

SPECOPS writes:Thanks to all that have been supporting us here on this board. Your kind comments and genuine appreciation almost bring tears to my eyes. I especially want to thank the little boy who wrote about his tramatic experience in that men’s bathroom. It took a lot of guts to talk about that on a public forum. You are a brave, brave person. You appear to have what it takes for a career in my field, please contact me when you are 18, I can get you in started on a high intensity training program and hopefully get you started as an apprentice by the age of 21.Unfortunately I can not take credit for your courageous story. There are many stories like yours, I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days. But there are many brave men like myself out there who risk their lives daily, so that boys like yourself can live a normal heterosexual life.


This reminds me of a blog that dates back to 1997 (before they were called blogs and were just websites) that a guy kept about his Redneck Neighbor. I think he did it to keep from either killing himself or his neighbor. Very funny.


6 Responses to “This is What the Internet is All About”

  1. Potomac Mills '88 Says:

    Very possibly, that is awesome.

  2. paulbibeau Says:

    This piece, and the stuff on the linked site, is just 32 flavors of awesome. I think I’m going to try to hunt down this Mall Ninja, and get an interview.

  3. You get the interview, we’ll turn it into a screenplay.

    SPECOPS is doing the kind of unsung comedy that, well, should really be sung.

    That’s why I’m singing right now.

  4. darbydale Says:

    Reading through this brought back some repressed memories. At some point in my life (it almost had to be during my high school years), I read 7 or 8 Mack Bolan books in a row.

  5. Yeah, you did. I remember you mentioning those at some point. Those are like the male equivalent of romance novels. Soft-core gun porn.

    I was always a Sweet Valley High kind of guy.

  6. darbydale Says:

    Yeah, I think I even tried to play if off like they were cool. Thanks for just giving me the cold shoulder on that one.

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